Every now and then I get asked what I’d consider a “classic” question. I don’t hear them very often but when I do, I see them as pure gold. Not too long ago I was asked a real doozy: “Why do you guys want to be big?” I was so excited about this one that I had to write a whole article in response to it. Listed below are some of the reasons why I feel we all like to get big.
27 Reasons to Be Big
1. I like having to think, “Is this really worth getting up for?” before doing anything.
2. I like having to roll off the bench press instead of sitting up.
3. I like the feeling of having my head filling with pressure, turning bright red and not being able to breathe. And this is just from tying my shoes. I find it best to take a big breath of air, drop as fast as I can and speed tie. I can usually get the job done in four to five reps.
4. I like the feeling of my belly on my upper thighs when I take a dump. Sometimes I even try to sit back further, fill my belly with air and blast away like I would a big squat.
5. I like feeling hot and sweaty when sitting in an air-conditioned room with my shirt off and a fan blowing on me. This is how I spend most days at work!
6. I like taking an extra few minutes in my car to catch my breath from walking across the parking lot.
7. I like having to put my belt through my belt loops before I put on my pants. I remember how mad my friend Jim was one time at the airport when he was asked to remove his belt before going through the metal detector. He knew he had two choices. He could either go the rest of the day without his belt or head to the restroom to take his pants back off and re-loop the belt. He waited until the next time he had to take a dump as it would just be too much of a pain to remove his pants for no reason.
8. I like waking up in the middle of the night with my hands numb. Gives me a chance to eat more food.
9. I like being asked things like:
“Do you lift weights?” No, I look this way for no other reason.
“Are you a wrestler?” Yeah, like I have the mobility to jump off the top rope!
10. I like the time I have to spend in business meetings trying to overcome the meathead image all the fat, out-of-shape business executives have of me.
11. I like the feeling I have of needing to take a shit all day long.
12. I like the lower back workout I get from walking across the room.
13. Cell phones are also a treat when you’re big. You’re sure to cut all conversations very short because you know your arm will get tired within the first two minutes. This is where the headsets are great, but these Shrek-like fingers make it hard to get the damn plug in the phone.
14. On that same note, I like having to retype just about every third word because my damn fingers keep hitting the wrong keys.
15. I like buying a new recliner every year because they all break down.
16. I like the feeling of jeans either smashing my nuts or falling off my ass.
17. I like coming up with excuses to avoid places like the zoo, amusement parks, fairs or any other place that involves a shitload of walking in hot weather. Yeah, let’s all go to Disney World!
18. I love speed squat workouts where the only thing that’s moving fast is my heart rate.
19. I love leaving work and finding that when I get to my car I forgot something and realize it isn’t worth the 20 yards to walk back and get it. The only exception to this rule is when I forget my car keys and then have to stand there pissed at myself for a half hour before I walk back in and get them. I usually try using my cell phone to call in and have someone bring them out to me.
20. I love swimming and finding myself in the deep end where I can’t touch.
21. I always like it when I’m the passenger in a compact car. First, you have a hell of a time getting into the car as it feels like you’re doing a one-leg squat down to a shoe box. Then when you reach your destination you find you’re curbside parked. You go to open the door and you hear the oh-so-familiar scratch of the car door on the curb. This sound runs down your spine like fingernails on a chalkboard.
You then look out the door and see that you’re required to do the deepest one-leg squat in history to get out. The only way you’ll be able to do this is to arch your back and press your feet into the floor as hard as you can to begin to lift yourself up in the seat as you would on a hack squat machine. If done correctly, you can gain up to six inches before you take the side lunge from hell to get out.
Once you’re in the proper position you should be able to take the leap of faith to get out. If this wasn’t bad enough, you always know that it’s not over after the first step. You know there’s a very good chance you’ll end up losing your balance as you get out and end up taking a few awkward backward steps once you clear the door. The worst thing of all is knowing once you get out you’ll have to find a way to get back in.
22. I love feeling like I’m getting more jacked and ripped at the same time, yet every picture I see of myself shows a fat bloated pig. I guess it’s true that a picture can add two rolls and twenty pounds of fat. Okay, thirty.
23. I like knowing that when I go to take a dump I have a very good chance of getting a lat cramp when I go to wipe. This will always lead to the “quick” wipe and a dirty ass.
Jim has always suggested the use of baby wipes to finish the job, but let’s face it, do you really want to risk the lat cramp again? I’d much rather hit the shower to finish the job. Hint: You’ll need to get one of those detachable showerheads so you can get the direct line of fire.
If all else fails, you can ask your sweetheart to help finish the job. To do this you need to lie on your back and lift your legs up and back as far as you can. This will give her a perfect view to get the job done.
Okay, I know I crossed the line with that one, but I do know of at least three lifters who take care of hygiene this way. They call this “assuming the position.”
24. I love having to have someone else button my top shirt button and put my tie on because I can’t reach it.
25. I also like going out to eat and finding I’m in a restaurant that has two choices: 1) the booth you have to squeeze your ass into, knowing that your belly will be smashed the entire meal and 2) those tall tables with the extra high barstools. Not able to lean back and set your feet on the floor is counterproductive to one of the most important activities of getting big—eating. I suggest leaving and finding somewhere else to eat.
26. I like all the crazy sexual positions I can conform to.
27. Going to the airport provides several great reasons why you should all strive to get big. First up, you have to get all your crap out of the car and to the check-in. In my case, I’m usually looking at a duffle bag of clothes for the weekend trip. You also need a bigger bag because all your crap is size XXX, plus you need a few extra shirts as you’re bound to sweat through most of them and will need to change often.
I also have my briefcase with laptop, planner and all the other crap I need while away. In the case of a seminar, I also have a roller case with my LCD projector. Lastly, if I need to train while away I’ll need my training bag with all the gear I’ll need. (I don’t even want to get into the bags needed for a powerlifting meet.)
So I’m faced with how to get four bags to the check-in terminal. Yes, you can get a roller cart, but this will require walking to the terminal to get the thing, then walking back, loading up and walking to the terminal again. This is way too many trips for a big guy to take.
If you’re lucky, you’ll make it to the terminal with only four or five drops. If you’re following me here you know what happens when one bag falls off your shoulder. You try to recover and the next thing you know all your bags are on the floor. It takes several attempts to get all the bags back up and on your way.
Let me tell you this before I go on: don’t try and kick a few bags as you go. This may seem like a good idea but a travel bag doesn’t kick as smoothly as you think it would, and it’ll take much more energy kicking the bags than it would be hiking them back on your shoulders.
Okay, so you make it to the check-in terminal. You take your place in line and set your crap down. This is when the “bag kick” comes in handy. You don’t want to have to pick up your bags every five minutes when the line moves up.
At this point you’ll be starving from all the work you had to do to get here and you can see the fast food places around the corner. As each person moves up you get more and more hungry to the point that your hunger turns into “stupid people aggression.” Most of you will know what I mean with this.
You’re in line and what should take a max of five to ten seconds to do, takes some of these morons ten minutes. All you can think of doing is kicking the asshole in front of you in the back as he fumbles for his ID that he should’ve had out ten minutes ago. Hell, I’ve been holding mine in my mouth for the last half hour to the point that the ends are now all chewed up.
You finally make it to the metal detector. We already discussed the belt issue, but it’s important to point out that you should never wear laced shoes as you’ll have to take them off, and we all know how hard they are to get back on.
Since you’re big and jacked you don’t have to worry about taking anything out of your pockets because if you had something in there, there’s no way you’d ever get it out anyhow. This is also why big guys will always tip all the change they receive into the tip jar because let’s face it, where are you going to put it? In your front pocket? Yeah right! And how will you get it out? The only way you’d ever see the change again is when you take your pants off later that day. At this point, it’ll fall on the floor and you’ll have to call in your kids to have them pick it up for you.
So you kick your shoes off and think you’ll fly past the metal detector archway. This is true as long as you don’t bump the sides. Since you’re huge, your shoulders are bound to hit, plus you have a shaved head and goatee and are automatically targeted as a threat. So you find yourself being directed to the two big footprints on the floor and told to stand here. Then they ask you to raise your arms and will always ask you if you work out. This is no time for small talk as your shoulders are messed up from your last squat session and it’s killing you to hold your arms up.
Finally, you get a chance to drop a few hundred bucks on a handful of eats that should hold you over for the trip. Now is your time to take a seat and recover from the demanding trip so far. This is a great time to check out all the normal folks to remind yourself how great it is to be huge.
You realize very fast that you’re ten times bigger than you thought you were as it seems everyone in this country is fat and out of shape. On any given day you’ll be lucky to see one or two people who look like they’ve set foot in a weight room. The goal here is to not get too close to anyone as you don’t want to catch the Geek Virus.
Soon you’ll be boarding the plane. It’s best to wait until last to get on. Why rush to just go sit again and have to get up if someone else comes? If you’ve planned your trip well you know you should have an aisle seat so it doesn’t matter when you get on. So relax and enjoy watching everyone else rush to the plane.
Now, you know the seat will be a tight fit and you’ll have your balls crushed for the next hour or so. Find your seat but keep on the lookout for any seats that may be open with an empty seat next to them. Since you should be the last one on the plane, dive into whatever looks like the best place to be. This is your right because you are huge.
As you can see, being big is a great thing. If I can’t convince you in 3000 words then there’s just no hope for you.