A popular question among women that workout is “what gym do you go to?” To men this question literally means what is the NAME and LOCATION of your gym, not – why did you join, how do you like it, does your ex go there, does your ex go there with his new girlfriend, is she ugly, can the Zumba teacher really dance and is her butt real or any other such additional details we women would deem a natural part of the conversation.
Once we move past what is superficial chit chat to us, but would probably make a man’s head explode, we get into the stories. Yes, the stories. Juicy, hilarious, I-had-to-change-gyms-stories. I call these Sex, Lies, and Rock Tape. If you are too young to get that reference, I feel sorry you because it is a damn good one. Every woman has a gym story. Of course some have more than others and well some are more scandalous than others. As stories were exchanged amid a lot of laughs and eye rolling, we noticed a pattern. Putting all the stories together and we began to see a pattern among the men. Stereotypes, if you will. Not all but many fit into stereotypes that you can see at any time, at any gym, anywhere. And now for benefit, I’ve put together a list of types of men to avoid at the gym, how to recognize them and how to avoid them in order to preserve your gym going experience as long as possible. Because let’s face it, it sucks to juggle your schedule or cancel your membership over some clown.
This guy is the peacock of the weight room. There is not a reflective surface he does not like. He primps. He struts. He stares…a lot…mostly at himself. He is in relative good shape but probably not as good as he thinks he is. As the name implies, it is all about him and his pageantry. The world is his runway. Between his indifference to women and flamboyant gym gear, you question is sexual orientation. He is neither hetero nor homo, but asexual (like a starfish).
You don’t need to. He is the center of his own universe.
This guy is relatively harmless. He is not a creeper. He is not a serial killer, unless you count how he will kill your workout mojo. He is generally polite and friendly and likes to talk, and talk, and talk…and talk. Did I mention he likes to talk? Don’t be fooled into thinking that a smile and hello will be enough. Ha, ha, no. Just as soon as you answer one question, he has 10 more already lined up. You being the polite person that you are go along, figuring that at the some point it has to end so you can both get back to working out. But it doesn’t end. It never EVER ends. You hope it was a onetime thing but nooo. You are now BFFs and you can’t even remember his name. Within days you are hearing about his old sports injuries, kidney stones or inflamed prostate. OK, I’m exaggerating, I don’t even know if prostates get inflamed but for the first time in your life you envy Hellen Keller or some other famous deaf person. Anyway, with this guy you are the deer on a lonely road and he is the Mac truck with the paralyzing headlights.
Ladies you must master that peripheral vision. Know your surroundings at all times. I always forget where I parked but I know the gym traps to avoid like a ninja. Chances are you feel him make his ascent so you either make a quick getaway or resume working out but this time with an angry face with lots heavy almost animalist breathing. But whatever you do, or else your dead in the water, DO NOT take out your headphones. “I just put my headphones back in and walk away.” That works in most cases but he is a tenacious breed. You must preempt any move. Adopt a buddy system like in your club days. Have an S.O.S. signal arranged between you and a friend to be used in times of rescue.
This alpha male wannabe is the worst of the bunch. Due to a tremendous ego, and ridiculous overcompensation for insecurity he will throw anyone under the bus that threatens him. He is the king of the iron jungle and spends hours there holding court and preying on the female sex. He stares at you and every woman. He wants you to see him staring. Why? Because he is a man! With needs, with loins and a penis, it’s all for YOU and anyone else desperate enough to fall for his game. He is easy to spot as he loves to draw attention to himself.
You will know him because his gaze will make you feel like he wants to impregnate you. He fearlessly and shamelessly hit on you within seconds of hitting the gym. He may or may not get secret weekly updates to new female members. The best and only thing to do is be cold. His ego can’t handle it. The consequence will be he might talk about you behind your back, which he will anyway. Your choice is as to how. As a chick he hates or chick he is sleeping with.
I am sure there are more types that can be added to this list but I’d like some feedback and support on who you think should be added to this list to protect fit womankind in gyms the world over. In my follow up, though, I will be sure to include the guy I call “Out on Bond: The Gym Rebel” and “Gym Romeo: The Romantic.” So until then, I’d love to hear from you but until then, remember to practice safe sets.